I get asked frequently how to deal with upset people. The turbulence in the market over the last 2 years makes clients hyper-vigilant and edgy – challenge #1. Challenge #2 is that men and women tend to deal with emotions differently. Every man I know automatically does the wrong thing when trying to calm an upset woman. It’s not intentional, men are just doing what comes most naturally. Unfortunately it makes women more upset. Many readers have learned through personal relationships what NOT to do with their girlfriends or wives. Here’s a quick reminder of how to apply that to clients:
Step 1 – Wait! Sit with the feelings! Most men don’t like to sit around in the muck of feelings. Just get rid of them by sprinting right past them! That works for men, it totally backfires for women. To be effective with women clients, just sit and listen to the feelings. Don’t try to hurry past them. If you do, they’ll keep coming back and back and back. Instead, listen and acknowledge.
Step 2 – Ask her what she wants in the conversation – Don’t automatically jump to fix it! Men are action based and want to fix things, especially for a woman in distress. This can be a no-win scenario for advisors. You may not be able to fix it and she may not expect you to.
Instead of jumping to fix it, find out what the woman wants from you in the moment. She may simply want you to empathize with her, or reassure her that the plan for her finances is a good one. Remember women don’t mind “asking for directions” and they don’t mind if men do either. To women, it’s practical to ask – so go ahead and ask!
Step 3 – Do what she asks (if possible). That might mean listening to some more feelings, empathizing and reassuring her that it will all be “OK”. There may be some action, there may not be. Remember that women think empathy and reassurance is action. You are doing something! You’re helping her to feel better about the situation and her financial choices.
Warning! Step 2 is critical, don’t skip it. If she contacts you for a practical matter and you only focus on the feelings, you may look supremely condescending. Here’s a personal example:
I once had a doctor who was extremely patronizing. He patted my hand and essentially told me “Don’t worry about thing – little lady”. He did not truly empathize or respond to my request. True empathy requires that you take the person seriously. He also did not respond to my request. Instead he just dismissed me as a woman who was all flustered by her emotion – not thinking straight. It was a good thing that he was a substitute and not my primary doctor. I would have fired him.
Empathy from me
I have 3 sons. I confess many times, I just do not “get” them. If you feel the same sometimes about women, I completely understand! I am so grateful for my husband who translates for me.
Tip of the Day
The women around you are one of the best resources you have at your fingertips! Find out from them what works and what doesn’t work. Go ahead – ask for directions!
Resource of the Day
I’m honored to have great connections and resources. One such resource is Jonathan Smith. You can learn more about Jonathan Smith at his website, and blog. Below are the links. By the way Jonathan’s group has an outstanding website and is connected to all the social media avenues. Check it out, I think you’ll be as impressed as I am.
website: jonathansmith.com
Thank you for naming me as resource for the day. Such an expression of confidence is gratifying, but to have been included in this post is humbling. I am a frequent skipper of steps 1 and 2 and an ever-ready fixer whatever needs fixing. Your blog post busted me.
Thank you also for reinforcing that “listening and empathy” is, to a woman, action. Hopefully, I’ll sprint to listen and empathize, instead of to fixing.
Your blog’s content (and its predictable format – discussion, fact/tip of the day, resource/opportunity/question) is filled with “tomorrow morning ready” actionable ideas.
Barbara, I’m so glad I’m reading $14 Trillion Woman.